Thursday, August 12, 2010

Am I Worthy?

I had a dream once that I was in an old farm house that had a door that opened up to a wooden stairway leading down to the basement. The only light was a bare light bulb with a string when pulled turned it on and off. My hand reached in the dark for this string and turned on the light to expose the basement full of dusty boxes. My eyes squinted from the glare. My nose ached from the smell of mildew. There was no hand rail so I braced myself by placing my one hand on the damp wall as I decended the stairs. Many of the boxes were labeled right on the cardboard; others seemed older, made of wood or metal and had no identifying marks on them. I swallowed hard to try to force the lump down out of my throat. That lump must have been a ball of fear since all my courage seemed to be left at the doorway. I looked and looked at the inventory and then I saw a small door. Curiosity gained strenghth over my fear. I opened the door. The room was filled with filing cabinets full of folders. My eyes rapidly scanned the titles and landed on the folder titled 'Unworthiness'. There was no dust on this folder; it appeared this folder had been reviewed multiple times according to the wear on the sides of the folder. When I opened the folder words copied on small pieces of paper fell out onto the floor. I picked them up and read each one as I put them back into the folder. The words included: not good enough, can't do it, nobody notices, who cares, it will never happen because of you, why bother, it doesn't matter, you don't matter.
I woke up in a sweat, my heart pounding, sobbing and crying out the words, "I don't believe it. These are lies, I do matter." I was upset by the dream and everytime I remember it, I get upset all over again. I am upset now.
Those words may have been true at sometime in my life but not now. I know people who know me love me and the most important person is the Lover of my Soul. He has given me all my worth. My Lord Jesus is worthy and He has saved me from my past and made me worthy of love and honor. This is part of the Gospel message that I now have etched upon my spirit. I don't have to hide behind words others have spoken over me or thoughts they have directed toward me.
I don't have to hide from others behind an overweight body, a down cast look, a feeling of failure, an attitude of shame, fear, or unworthiness. Not anymore. The folder can now be emptied of those words and turned inside out and relabeled. I shall now title this folder "I am worthy." The only words I need to save in this folder are: I am worthy by the blood of Jesus." This folder will not go back to the basement but stay upstairs where others can see it and I can be reminded of it everyday.

Monday, August 9, 2010


This is a reflection on Abiding in God:

Here I go again,
Listening to that ol' snake in the tree.
I felt such Peace until then;
Abiding with God and all we are together.
First, I was distracted, which allowed me to become deceived.
He told me what God had planned needed more work.
I gathered together a committee and decided we needed to do more--
To further 'The Plan.'
I then took off my garment of Praise
And put on my Thinking Hat;
After all, some of His Plan just didn't make sense, I reasoned.
My committee agreed.
Despite the fact my Peace is gone
And somewhere amid all this clutter, I have misplaced my joy;
Much has been accomplished.
However, there is so much to do--it's never finished.
I am tired, worn out, defeated--I've been used.
Than ol' snake is just laughing at me in his tree.
I feel ashamed.
Wait a minute, I hear my name being called from within;
I can return and go back to where Love rules,
And find Peace where God and I are together again.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Hello Gorgeous

My life has been an on-again, off-again struggle with my relationship with Beauty. I recognize it easily in others, but seem shy to my own. Now that my season of youth is well passed and the force of gravity and excess poundage can no longer be denied, it is time to call a truce and come to peace with Beauty. I wish to invite her back into my life and get to know who she really is and not just think of her as a pretty face. I wish to learn from her the stories she has to tell me about thinking life-producing thoughts. I long to smile and giggle about almost every aspect of living. I asked her to show me how to plant my own garden of creative works. She quickly agreed and today we are together weeding out what I have sown as selfish seeds. They produced a bumper crop and some have gone to seed.
It pleases me to know she has a timeless track record of success in maintaining health and wholeness within the spirit of mankind and still she finds time for me. It also excites me that she has discovered secrets of sensual delights found within my heart that are aching to be explored. She knows my temperment as well as my woe. Beauty sees me, hears me, call to me, comforts me and corrects me. She is not a rigid taskmaster; just an attentive friend who expects me to be true. She will not tolerate masks or any other falsehood. She calls me now; I am drawn to her wooing.
Whenever I feel used up, scared, lonely, invisible, she gives drink to my parched emotions and I am reborn. Instead of quenching my spirit, she breathes on the dying embers of my passion and fuels it into full flame. She warns me not to feel shame nor blame for our past feuds. Instead, Beauty encourages me to give her my attention, once again and to stop looking into mirrors.